Epic

There came a point in my life when
I knew the only way to accomplish my
goals was to become the thing I hated most.
So I set out on my long, arduous journey.
In order to complete my journey, some tasks needed to be accomplished.
First, I needed to defeat the tiny snail of Murdoc Isle.
Defeating the snail required my most devious device.
I whipped out my birkenstoks and socks, threw them on my hands, and began to crush.
Next was to annihilate the Pipe Master, who lived in a massive smoke-filled temple.
I entered the temple and the smoke that filled the first room was deafening.
I began to climb the stairs that led to the temple summit.
The deafening smoke pulled at my shoes and I ran faster.
Each step was made more difficult by the diving apparatus on my back.
The air was getting thin, aiding the smoke in the assault on my lungs.
The escalator stopped, the sliding glass doors opened, and I walked into Wal-Mart.
I wandered throughout the manikins, following the bellows of laughter.
Finally, there it was. The Pipe Master. Sitting in his throne high atop an aspen tree.
I knew what I had to do; reaching into my fanny pack
I pulled the beaver out and whispered in its ear.
"You know your duty. Do it well." The beaver scampered
over to the aspen tree and did what beavers do best.
As it began to topple, I pulled out my AK and began to fire aimlessly.
The one shot that hit splattered his brains all over the wall.
My second task done, I grabbed my beaver and went onto the third.
As I walked across the Caspian Sea, I met the Red Rhino of the East.
He said that he would aid me, on one condition, I give him my pants and left shoe to wear.
Once the Red Rhino of the East was properly garbed, a transformation
took place. The Rhino shed his outer skin and hooves.
From the crumpled skin a medium sized German man and
three small laplanders emerged. They presented a challenge.
"If you can figure out which one of us is gay, we shall grant you
three and a half wishes." I thought long and hard, giving my answer after much deliberation.
"The answer is obvious." I said "You are all gay." They were astonished.
The medium sized German man spoke first. "No you jackass, the middle
Laplander is the gay one." I was upset to say the least.
It seemed so obvious in retrospect. He was singing an Elton John song
and wearing a frilled pink shirt. In fact, there was much gayness about him.
Nonetheless, I had failed. THe beings in front of men began to change again.
Forming into thousands of peanut M&M's. THey fell into the sea and floated to the bottom.
I continued on my trek eventually making my way to my third destination.
The dry desolate deserts of Africa. The temperature
was too much. I donned my diving apparatus.
The buzzards began to circle and I knew my fate was sealed.
Suddenly, my fanny pack sprung open and my beaver popped out.
She began to shine, so bright in fact that I could no longer look at her.
When she dimmed I looked back and she had sprouted wings. She took off high
high into the sky. Suddenly she attacked a circling vulture.
The dead vulture fell from the sky, and when it
hit the ground a terrible noise arose from the steaming corpse.
From it grew a massive entity, larger than the ego of Donald Trump.
Strangely, though, as details emerged, it turned out that this lifeform, or
lack thereof, was indeed the Trump. At least half of it was. The other half was
none other than Paris Hilton. Finally, I had reached my foe. It was time.
The Parump started the attack. From the deepest depths
of corporate L.A. it summoned legions of barking chihuahuas.
Using my Jesus cleats I was able to kick the demon dogs away.
Next, four dozen shiny, golden wigs flew at me, covering me with their godawfulness.
I couldn't breath, I thought all hope was lost. Then there was a bright light, but not that of death. My beaver had returned! Using her mighty tail, she fanned
the baleful bouffants away. Still, I knew the Parump was
far from being finished. The worst was yet to come.
The monsters onslaught continued, and my trusty winged companion and I did our best.
But it was too much. We were weak. We were losing. Yet again, I thought all was lost.
I fell to my knees and looked up to see the giant Parumpian saber flying at me.
I closed my eyes, expecting to see my life flashing before my eyes, but there was nothing. Sad.
Then I heard a distinct voice. It was the medium sized German.
"The only way to defeat the Parump is to assume it's rival form."
I knew what to do. I reached deeper into my fanny pack and pulled
out my blonde wig. I had become the thing I hate the most. Nicole Ritchie.
Everything got blurry, I needed some blow, I felt like I was wearing a a very short skirt and showing the whole world my cooch. Then it hit me like a tone of avacados. I ripped up my skirt and from it came the greatest group of incestous insects the world has ever seen. My compatriots devoured the Parump. Exhausted as I was, I knew my journey had come full circle.